Get Someone to Do What You Want! DBT Technique: DEAR MAN | Kati Morton


Hey everybody, today we’re going to talk about the DBT technique DEAR MAN otherwise known as “how to get people to do what you want.” [INTRO music: percussive beat] If you haven’t watched my older videos about DBT, I’ll link them in the description because I do think it’s important for us to watch them so that we understand overall what DBT is. But to give you a short synopsis, DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and it was created by a woman by the name of Marsha Linehan. And it was made to help those with BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, find better ways to cope and they’re kind of three pillars to DBT. Obviously there’s a lot involved in it, but the three pillars are: Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, which is what working on today, and then also Emotion Regulation, and those are the kinds of the things that you’ll see no matter what topic or what technique we’re using. They usually fall under one of those categories. Now, like I said, DEAR MAN falls under Interpersonal Effectiveness and the way that they describe it is that it’s how to get someone to do what you want. That doesn’t mean that no matter what you want someone to do you can get them to do it, it really means that we’re learning how to communicate clearly, assert ourselves, bargain for things, and in the end, hopefully come to some kind of mutual agreement where we’re both happy. That’s really the ultimate goal. So let’s start because all of DBT is kind of acronyms. If you looked up DEAR MAN, you’d also probably see GIVE FAST as another portion of Interpersonal Effectiveness. Now those are other components that we’re not going to address today. But let’s start with the letter D. And that is “DESCRIBE” and I’m reading from my notes here, but it says describe a situation and stick to the facts. And I think the most important component of that is stick to the facts! Now, to give an example of sticking to the facts, let’s say you have a friend who is repeatedly standing you up or flaking last minute. The way that you would describe the situation is you could say, “Hey, Sally, I’ve noticed in the last three weeks that you are repeatedly standing me up. And you don’t show up when we make plans or you flake out at the last minute.” That’s sticking to the facts. We’re not saying how we feel, we’re not saying that it’s bad. We’re not judging anything about it. We’re just describing the situations. Sometimes it helps me when I’m teaching this to my clients, to think of it as — I’m like writing the introduction to this scenario as an offer. How would I describe the situation? I’m not talking from like a person’s perspective, I’m talking as like a random third person on the outside who is telling you what it looks like. Now the “E” is for “EXPRESS” and the most important component of this is to use “I” statements. I know if any of you been in therapy you’re like, “Uugghh ‘I statements’ “, but we find those are so much more helpful in communication. When we say, “you make me feel like shit” that person’s going to get defensive. They may not hear another thing we say and it could end up an argument or a complete shutdown, or they walk out; it’s nothing good. So it works best to say things like: “I feel, when I’m left waiting, that I worry about you. I wonder where you’re at. And I hope you’re okay. That’s all on me. I’m not saying that you did anything, I’m saying this is how I feel when that happens.” And just lastly, as a little note for Express, I find when we do this it opens up more doors for communication. It allows the person to feel free to explain what’s going on versus shutting them down right away, saying, “you make me feel this way.” Sooo… Yeah I even use this in my real life I’m just going to be honest. The “A” in DEAR MAN stands for “ASSERT”, and this is where I usually lose my clients. They’re like, “oh my god, this is so overwhelming.I don’t like conf… you know any kind of conflict, confrontation! Not for me! I can’t do it!! boooo.” And they don’t wanna make eye contact and they want to stop working on this. But I promise you, this is so helpful. An “Assert” doesn’t mean be aggressive. Assert means asking directly for what you want or saying no very clearly. We always have to remember that people can’t read our minds. I want to say that again so you hear it. We have to remember that other people can’t read our minds. We can’t hold them accountable for things we haven’t told them. If we haven’t asked what we want, we can’t expect them to give it to us, okay? Maybe rewind and watch that one more time because that’s really important and a lot of conflicts start around people expecting others to read their minds and we’re just not capable of it. Or at least most of us aren’t. But, with regard to the whole scenario that we’re playing out, right, a friend who’s flaking, who is leaving me–y’know, essentially standing us up What will be assert here? Maybe we say something like “I would like you to let me know ahead of time if you’re not going to make it.” That’s fair. Or we can say, “If you need to cancel, can you please do it the day before? Because I plan my whole day around us getting together.” Those are all fair things to ask and “Assert”. The “R” in DEAR MAN is “REINFORCE” and I know this sounds kind of like “parental”, like as if you’re a parent you’re going to, you know, reward them for doing things well. But truthfully, in relationships, we reward each other for doing things that we like whether we notice it or not. Someone does something nice for us, someone goes out of their way to pick us up from the airport, we’re very thankful. We go out our way to say thank you. We may buy them dinner sometime, we may come over and bring a surprise little gift. There may be all sorts of things that we do that are rewarding a behavior without actually realizing we’re doing it. So trust me, reinforcing is actually a very natural thing to do. The “M” in DEAR MAN is “MINDFUL”. And I’m just looking at my notes because this one’s really important. And it says, “To keep your focus on what you want and avoid distractions.” You can continue to ask for what you asserted over and over like a broken record… because sometimes people need us to repeat things before they ACTUALLY hear us. Lastly, ignore attacks. If the person that you’re asserting yourself to starts to kind of fight back and attack you personally, hold your ground and repeat what you’d already asked for. You say again, “I would love to spend time with you. All I’m asking is that you tell me ahead of time if you’re going to cancel so I don’t wait there for you.” Or “Can you tell me the day before because I plan my entire day around us getting together?” We just continue that broken record, right? We continue to assert ourselves and ask for what we want. The “A” in DEAR MAN is for “APPEAR”. Appear confident! Make eye contact. You know, eye contact. This is when I lose a lot of my clients. They’re like “It’s really hard, like I get nervous. I want to look down.” Force yourself, practice with safe, healthy, happy people in your lives to make eye contact. Make sure that we speak clearly and loudly, we don’t mumble. We don’t look down and mutter and whatever and ignore what we’re really wanting to say. Make eye contact, assert yourself and stick with it. This can help in so many facets of your life. I’ve utilized this portion just appearing confident, when I’m going to a speaking engagement, when I’m applying for a new job and going for an interview. It can help us out in a lot of ways. Just making eye contact, speaking loudly and clearly and asking for what we want. And the last letter of DEAR MAN, the “N”, is for “NEGOTIATE”. Remember at the beginning when I said that we may have to come to a compromise? Where we’re both happy because we may have to GIVE to GET. The person that we may be talking to or asserting or asking for something may not want to give us what we want. Or they may just not want to give us EXACTLY what we want. We may have to give up a few things in order to get to our ultimate goal. Which is coming together, negotiating, coming to a compromise where we both win. And it was kind of part of the communication because we have to ask the other person’s input. We can’t tell someone what to do and expect them to just comply. That’s not how relationships work. This is “interpersonal effectiveness” right? We’re being effective in our interpersonal relationships. So we need to hear them out. We need to actually listen to what they say and understand where they’re coming from and then try to reach an agreement. Let’s say, for the example that we’re giving, let’s say that that friend is like, “That’s ridiculous! Things come up! I can’t plan for that! I can’t let you know a day ahead!” You can say, “Hey, can we just try it for the next couple times to get together and see if it makes us both feel a little bit better? I understand there’s emergencies but you can’t tell me there’s been an emergency every time.” Hear their points. Then they may come back to you and be like, “but my life is chaotic and I’m planning a wedding” or “daa daadada..doing all the stuff!” And we can say, “Okay. How about just a few hours before we’re getting together?” That way I don’t show up there, sit down, wait for you for 30 minutes, and then leave, because that’s really where I become upset. You can kind of reach an agreement, even if the person is being really obstinate. I hope you found this video helpful. DEAR MAN can be so useful in so many different ways. Like I said, I’ve used the confidence in the asserting with work situations that were uncomfortable. So practice it! Practice using this with people that you love and care about, who maybe are a little softer, a little easier to talk to because we’re going to need this sometimes when we’re feeling overwhelmed. And when we’re thinking that things aren’t quite going our way but we don’t know how to get out of it, this will help us manage it. It will help us communicate clearly and get our needs met. It can really change your life and leave it in the comments: Have you gone through DBT and been in the groups and worked DEAR MAN? How has it worked for you? Let us know and if you’re new to my channel, click here to subscribe? I put out videos twice a week and you don’t want to miss them. And make sure your notifications are turned on so when they go up, you know right away, and I will see you next time. BYE!

100 thoughts on “Get Someone to Do What You Want! DBT Technique: DEAR MAN | Kati Morton

  1. Ive been diagnosed with bpd for nearly 8 now and not one mental health professional will find somewhere I can get dbt. mental health care in the UK sucks (from my experience )

  2. Hi, I've recently started doing DBT with my treatment team but don't have a bpd diagnosis (to my knowledge?) so was wondering if it is also sometimes used to treat those who struggle with anorexia, depression, self injury, anxiety and trauma? thanks

  3. I learned DEAR MAN in a DBT group in ED residential. It made a lot of sense and was super helpful, but was so much easier in a safe group environment than in the real world! I needed this refresher though, I miss being able to do DBT weekly so much but it costs too much here now 🙁

  4. Hi Kati!! I have been having issues with health anxiety. I am a huge hypochondriac, and always believe I have some kind of irrational illness. My anxiety about diseases feels paralyzing and I feel triggered by everything. How can I help myself. Thanks!! #katiFAQ

  5. I've done dbt 3 times and I have learned about dear man each time but a refresher is always good because I don't use the skill much(even though I should lol)

  6. #katiFQA hey kati great video this seems so helpful never herd of this before ! I wanted to ask just found your channel and it's pushed me to get help again after leaving it to get worse the last  7 months …I've been trying for the last 3 years to stop the down would spiral , just a question if you get time to answer or do a video .. not sure how to put it in words but can you have more than one mental health problem and maybe be  missed because ,  a major event over shadows these and seems the problem because that what brought you to seek help finally? and how would you explain this to ypur GP ? my parents  passed away 3 years ago next month  18 /5/14  and this tipped me over the edge,  I was all ready (looking back now)  depressed due to low self confidence, body image, parents being terminally ill , worrying about what ppl thought of me etc fear of relationships when younger , I was  sticking with the same couple of friends  from school to the same job, and staying in alot of the time unless out with my twin sister . But no matter how low I felt I still had my mum and dad who I lived with and what ultimately pushed me to change and do something with myself as they both expressed not wanting me to be down and wanting to see me happy and due to there failing health I pushed myself to do something they could be proud of and knowing time wasnt on our side ..so for 2 years I went kickboxing and met new friends and was becoming more happy even started going out and felt I was getting there , then they passed away…the question I'm going to ask is how do I know what to get help with now as I feel there loss has made me lowest  I have ever been to the point of attempting to take my own life twice but still after 3 years I havnt got to a point where this isn't In my mind ,  I have moment's where I have tried (doctors) counciling, cbt and getting a new job, this  helps to start with but it all comes crashing back down I don't know if this is due to grief still as this is what i whent for all the stuff for.. but could there be more I havnt delt with witch is stopping me recovering or reverting back ..can you have more than one thing going on but one major event causes you to crack ..? sorry for the long woffle but hard to explain x

  7. #katieFAQ
    Hey Katie, I was wondering if someone can be attached to their abuser, weather this be a parent or any kind of relationship. I feel that it is difficult for me to leave my abusive parents and I don't know why. I could really use your help. Thank you Katie!!

  8. HEY KATI!! I have a question and could really use your help. I am a junior in high school and have been thinking about my possibilities after graduation. I have many family members that have been in the military and have always wanted to join. Specifically, I want to be a forensic analyst. But, I've been feeling rather low for a few years now. I know I should get help but if I ever want to join the military they check medical records and counseling (over 6 months) and hospitalization are unwaiverable conditions that prevent enlistment. I'm not sure if my goals in life are more important than my mental health. PLEASE HELP! THANK YOU KATI FOR ALL YOUR VIDEOS 💖

  9. i love when you do dbt videos bc i can't afford a therapist. so, it's nice to hear dbt therapies explained out. you're good at explaining things. 🙂

  10. Hi Kati 🙂 Question! I have DP/DR. Oftentimes lately, I've felt like I can't ever sit comfortably in my skin, or even in my chair! It also can be difficult studying because my focus seems very fuzzy and distorted, like I can't visually or audibly process things properly or at a normal speed. Could these be symptoms of my dissociation? If so, why? Honestly I'm starting to feel a little crazy! Love your personality and vids–thank you so much for all you do!

  11. #KatiFAQ I have three questions
    1. What can you do if you don't feel ready for therapy, can you heal from sexual abuse on your own with The Courage to Heal workbook?
    2. If not, do you recommend seeing your Dr. first, before reaching out to a therapist? As I'm really struggling.
    3. Can you do a video on the Fight or Flight response, and coping strategies?

  12. My therapist and I literally worked on this today!! I ended up having a really successful conversation with a friend as a result!

  13. We are suppose to ask questions on this video right? Katie what is it that stops people from being able to form close bonds with other people, and can this condition be treated? I'm 29 now, for most of my adult life, I have had brief acquaintances but no true friends, I only had a girlfriend for about a month and we were never intimate. The confusing thing is I don't even know if I want friends or a girlfriend, keeping up relationships take a lot of work, so I tend to avoid them. I'm usually happier alone except for times like this when I have lonely spells. A lifetime of loneliness seems terrible though, but I can prepare myself for that.

  14. I literally JUST posted my DEARMAN video today! Great minds think alike o guess lol! PLEASE everyone give it a look! I talk about my personal experiences with PTSD, DBT, and sexual assault. I'm trying to build a community of survivors 💖

  15. I wish they taught techniques like this in school so that eveyone could communicate better its a very important life skill

  16. The thing about I statements – what if the person you're talking to just says that that's your problem and not theirs?

  17. Thank you so much for sharing!!!! <3 Personally one of my goals for this year is to try and approach conflicts in a similar way to this technique, that is focussed on being vengeful and unloading emotions onto others but actually assessing why, what and how of the situation and feelings and directing everything to something that actually resolves the problem that we can grow from. Brene Brown's book 'Rising Strong' kind of kicked it off for me, but I really like this "DEAR MAN" technique too, and it makes me excited to hear about and learn new stuff like this. Thank you xxxxxx (also sharing this with all my friends because I feel like it's such an important thing I really appreciate you making this)

  18. You said Bpd content was coming, and here it is. Loved it, thanks a lot! ❣️ I hope you're enjoying Germany!

  19. Hi Kati,

    I'm new to your channel and I really need some advise on something. My mum has an eating disorder and I feel as though she is trying to force me to have one too. She's always telling me to stop eating so much and that I'm getting fat etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fat or eating too much. I eat way under the recommended daily calorie intake and I'm practically a professional athlete. I'm actually sitting in the underweight belt in terms of BMI.
    Is it normal for mums to do that kind of thing? Or is it my brain making excuses? Honestly, I've never been self conscious of my weight or even noticed it until my mum started hammering me. Should I listen to my mum or should I ignore her? What do I do?

  20. This is so funny that we went over dearman in treatment today!!!! I also have a question! Is it bad that I want to go to residential? It's recently gotten brought up as a possibility because I've been in treatment since November and have seen some but little and slow progress.. I think residential would really help me be able to focus on myself for a little bit because right now school, work, and my family are huge stressors and make it really hard to make progress and I just think in res I'd be able to make more progress in less time than I am right now

  21. Both of my daughters have hereditary BPD and they rage at me on text with anything I tell them. I have no idea what mood they are going to be in. They are unpredictable. The only thing I could do for my mental health is to tell them I have to walk away and no longer take their BS! Then sent them a registered NO CONTACT letter. Their texts are extremely toxic. OMG.

  22. Hey Kati! I have a #KatiFAQ Question. So I am going to college next year and I am trying to chose a major. Recently I visited my friend who is a nutrition major in college and thought it was really interesting. As someone who is in recovery from an eating disorder, would becoming a nutrition major be harmful to my recovery? I never had an interest in nutrition before this (except during my ED) so could this be the eating disorder coming back? I think I would like this topic but I'm not sure if I can trust this feeling.

  23. Hi Kati, I have a question that has been bothering me for quite a while. I have been molested as a child and as a result I find it very difficult to accept that someone is attracted to me. I automatically feel gross and that the person that is attracted is doing something wrong or isn't normal. It ruined my last relationship and even though I am in therapy this problem persists and I can't get over it. Do you have any tips on how to not overthink in these situations and on how to be able to actually enjoy intimacy?
    Thanks for everything you're doing, you are amazing!! Lots of love 🙂

  24. My cousin was diagnosed with "personality disorder " and I hate that term. It's the pc way of saying u don't like someone. Nothing wrong w his personality. He has been more than wonderful to a family that lost a child.

  25. Hello Kati!:) I'm probably too late to ask but I was wondering if manic or depressive episodes have to be triggered by something or if they can just seemingly come out of no where? Thank you for your videos. You help so many people and they have really helped me to express what I am feeling to other people.:)

  26. I took dbt and a little something I want to add is that it's not always step by step process through the letters of dear man in order. Conversations can often be quite messy.
    Also, you did not fail if someone refuses to co-operate or act respectfully. Be kind to yourself, and reflect on how things went and could be done differently.

  27. for some odd reason I haven't been receiving any notifications regarding new videos… I'm a little upset about that because I am a huge fan and keep on missing out on your live streamings…

  28. for the last 3 months I've been going to a dbt skills based group and I really enjoy it. Although dbt was initially started for individuals dealing with BPD, it is now used for many other conditions. I highly recommend DBT for everyone, regardless of what they're suffering with. It makes life worth living.

  29. hey kati i was just wondering if you would read a short story i wrote on my inpatient experience. It would mean so much thanks XX Laura

    Day 1:
    Waking up 3:00, 4:00, 5:00am. When will this end? I look down at my bedroom floor, suitcase packed, wardrobe empty. A suitcase means fun and holidays, right? No. Today it means distress, nerves and most of all the start of a new and confronting experience. Today won't be fun, it won't be easy, it won't be a holiday. Engine turns on, we start to move, tears rolling down my face. As I drive away from a place that I can no longer call home, staring out the window, I see my school, the local park, the harbour bridge, and then it becomes unfamiliar. This is exactly what the next few weeks of my life will be. Unfamiliar and strange.

    Walking into the clinic, it’s cold and lifeless, I'm frozen. I can't walk, I can’t talk, all I can do is blink away the tears in my eyes. Forms filled out, ready to go. I can hear the dings and electronic voice saying, “level 1, 2, 3”. I can feel my heart beat speeding up. It is only now that I look down at my hands and realise my nails are almost nonexistent. I'm hit by the artificial smell of hand sanitiser. I look around and all I can see are white walls covered in posters reminding me of why I'm here and why I want to get better.

    People smiling, laughing and saying hello as I walk past. This is not what I expected. As I'm shown around it begins to sink in… I’m actually doing this, i'm about to face my biggest fear. These next few weeks, will be the hardest few weeks of my life. My breath gets shallower, heart rate goes up and tears start to roll down my face for the tenth time today. I don’t think I'm ready for this yet, but I need to get better, I need to try.

    Day 2:
    I am a failure! One meal in and I'm already finding this unbearable. One meal in and I can’t finish it. One meal in and I already feel like giving up. As I stand in the over-crowded lift, my arms wrapped around me, I realise I'm not alone here, everyone here is struggling and going through the same thing as me. As I begin to tell myself, I can do this, I'm ready to do this and I will beat this, a smile starts to form on my face.

    Day 7:
    After another restless night I wake up, get dressed and head to be weighed. I walk down the corridor, trying to hide my face. As I step onto the scales I'm overcome with emotion but once again I must take control and push the unhelpful and negative thoughts away, and do what I know is best for me. Every day, every meal, I must make a conscious decision to choose recovery. Some days it may all just be too much. I might make the wrong choice, but I realise now that it is okay to make mistakes, I just need to get up and try again tomorrow.

    Hour by hour, meal by meal – it gets just that tiny bit easier.

    Day 10:
    Sitting with the doctor, white walls all around me. It looks so calm, but my mind is going 50 miles an hour. Leg shaking, teeth biting the inside of my mouth. I sit there and listen… “I think you are ready to have a meal out.”. My heart stops, I look up at her, my mind goes blank. I don’t think I’m ready for this. Why is she saying this? I know this is a good thing. I know it means I'm getting better but I can’t stop worrying,” What if I can’t do it? What if I fail?” Three deep breaths later I decide I can do it. I will go out and I won't fail.

    Day 11:
    Sitting in “my” room, I try to comprehend what i just achieved; did I just have dinner out with my friends… and survive? It was hard but not impossible. I can do it again. I want to do it again. I think I really am getting better.

    Day 15:
    I thought I was getting better. I thought I was ready to go home. Clearly, I'm not, and I still have a long way to go. Dinner today was hard, I was uncomfortable and anxious. I just couldn't finish. Why does it feel like I take one step forward and three steps backward? I will never get out of here. I will never get better.

    Day 18:
    I suddenly look up and can see all these faces staring at me, waiting for a response. I don’t really know what to say. Why am I here? What made me choose recovery? Why do I want to get better? I take a moment and really think about it. I'm doing this for my health, I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this for my family and friends. I need to stay strong for them. I need to keep pushing no matter how hard it is and how many times I make a mistake. I just need to remind myself of why I'm here and why I'm doing this. And that is exactly what I'm going to do!

    Day 22:
    Suitcase out, clothes packed, smiling. I never thought this day would come. Three weeks and one day later, I walk out the same doors I came in, but this time I have a smile on my face. No, I haven’t recovered completely, but when I look back at where I was 3 weeks ago I'm a completely different person. I’ve discovered a whole new perspective on life. I walk out these doors not knowing what is to come and if I’ll ever come back, but I do know that right now I'm much happier and healthier than I was when I walked in.

  30. #katiFAQ i was wondering what to do if you are worried that your friend has relapsed? i am worried my friend has relapsed but i feel like i am just being paranoid because f she does it will be my fault as i have now developed anorexia, which is what she had in the past. she is only recently recovered. Im just scared that if i do say something and she is totally fine she will think that i am like watching what she does and just make her feel uncomfortable but if i don't say something and she has relapsed then i will feel so bad for not helping. Love your videos BTW they are so helpful

  31. #katifaq I have intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation, and anxiety and I'm always sad all the time and my parents don't know what's going on, I don't have a therapist but I am thinking I should get one because I feel like I'm getting worse, like my life rope is getting smaller and smaller every day but I don't know how to talk to my parents, what do I do?

  32. Be careful about the whole eye contact thing. In some cultures it's considered as an affront , it is very disrespectful. (Asia, Middle East)

  33. OMG this has been so helpful! Thank you for breaking it up in an easy to understand/clear manner. Im so grateful for all the knowledge and tools you provide us with. 🙂

  34. Interesting. I am not familiar with DBT, but this is really similar to NVC (Nonviolent Communication). 'Describe' is NVC 'Observation', 'Express' is NVC 'Feelings' and 'Needs' – "I feel … because I need/value …" And Assert is equal to NVC 'Requests'.

  35. As long as people could use this to manipulate people,because some people is really manipulative and nobody likes to be used. It would help in therapy if you need to change some bad wrong behaviour perhaps,depends of the case. I would use this positively to get what you want,to be own of your own destiny instead of being afraid of making a mistake and be in charge of what you want.

  36. Love it when a girly therapist drops swear words in an instructional video
    👍🏼👍🏼 Keepin' it real! 👍🏼👍🏼

  37. i have a friend who is a flake and i just be assertive right away and say alright whats going on and skip the other stuff because i have known him since high school and he knows i wont judge him and he always feels bad about being a flake

    his bird got sick and instead of telling me that right away he was hoping his bird would be better by the time we hung out i just said next time your birdie gets sick let me know so that way i can make you feel better even though you need to take care of your sick birdie

    sometimes its his mom as well she ends up getting busy last second and i understand that he cant drive he will be able to drive again soon and he isnt near the bus like i am i can just walk to it

    thx for this ha bisky vid i loved this a lot and i think i was judgmental until i got BPD now that i think about it (i did something in college that really fucked up my brain back when i was an agnostic i dont regret it but its end effect wasnt fun no drugs were involved this was 100% legal and it involved using a lot of google)

  38. this stuff just comes naturally to me i have noticed i dont even try i am just able to know exactly what to say to each one of my friends

    the problem is i know how to piss them off just as easily when i am not in a good mood (that was more high school) and i have the same friends so they didnt seem to really care or at least they understood

  39. Thank you . I'm glad i found you.My 13 year old Daughter Has been in and out of mental Hospitals for the last year. When she gets upset about something she just can't let it go. we are starting her in DBT Therapy next week I think it will help.PS i bought the workbook .

  40. love your videos kati ! I'm taking a DBT class now, & listening to you is very very helpful! I also love your bubbly style! You Rock!

  41. Hi Kati. I've been watching your videos and also sharing them with my real life therapist. She loves your content too! I am learning so much from you and really appreciate that you take the time to share this and put it up on YT for people to learn these skills, and for free! That's very generous! I have a suggestion for your DBT vids (which are the vids I personally am studying) – I'm actually using my DBT workbook (the one that you reference) while watching your videos – it would be super helpful if you could, in the video, state which page / chapter you are on in the book – so we can follow along easier? Thank you so much for all you do! 🙂

  42. People should know that even though DBT was originally created to treat BPD it has been proven to be very effective in treating anxiety, panic attacks, and cPTSD. Adults who have endured child abuse have found DBT to be particularly helpful in fighting suicidal tendencies and stopping flashbacks.

  43. Hi, Kati! I'm a behavior analyst and an ACT Therapist. Recently I've became more interested in DBT and I found this video very helpful. Thank you!

  44. Hi Kati, I feel any therapy only works if there's willingness in the person to work on themselves. What do you think?

  45. I have learned this skill before in a DBT class. I love the way you explained it and all the tid bits you added. I was wondering what to do if you assert something & are willing to compromise but they are not. They are adamant about not being able to change their advice. Any skills you can offer?

  46. Am doing DBT right now- 1 day a week for 12 months (yes that’s correct – 1 year of it plus homework plus dairy cards that must get filled in) it’s really amazing. Thanks for the video Kati

  47. Curious thing I want to point out is how dearman sounds more like a coping mechanism to deal with someone WITH BPD or toxic people who want to overstep your boundaries and how you should respond.

  48. How do I grow so that when my baby sister needs me to help her with my narcissistic parents how do I not be scared like a kid..how or what can I learn so I dont panic and be scared like I'm a kid again..I need to help my 9 year old sister but I feel I dont know how to maintain the proper self control levels if I ever had to face my parents. They actually live in my home 3 doors down I know big mistake right..I thougjt I could help them but its actually gotten so bad I cant leave the house cant just take my dog for a walk..like I'm going backwards when I want to learn and grow..I guess what I'm asking is what do I do when my sister texts she needs help and I want to rush in n rescue her but I'm also stuck frose scared not knowing what to do or what I can do..I feel helpless in this and I know it's not I know there is hope..I've already set boundaries where they know they are not welcome on my property but it's just knowing what to do. I cant call the law because it takes them 45 minutes to respond but I know there is something I can do because I have issues from being raised by my mother n I do everything I can to make it easier on my sister to the point I've had her live with me dads permission till they flipped it to I kidnapped my own sister n they snuck her out of school n took her to the store for treats n candy..dad asked me to keep her safe but then flipped it..I want to help but I dont want to keep going down the same paths that got me no where

  49. Hi Kati, I appreciate these videos thank you for all your time. I am currently attending a DBT Skills training group every week . Very intense.

  50. Great video overall! Very helpful refresher on DEAR MAN. I was wondering about the last letter, though. My therapist added in the negotiation part that this is also where you decide what you are not willing to negotiate on. This is also where you set your firm boundaries, so to speak, and may decide that you need to take a step back from a relationship/cut ties from people not healthy for you.
    I felt like this was a very important part for me, and probably others, to keep in mind, as many people have a hard time sticking up for themselves and having boundaries. My therapist also gave me a sheet explaining rights every person has and what are acceptable boundaries when I learned about DEAR MAN.
    I am not sure if this is something that is often added in DEAR MAN talk or not, but I felt like it was very useful

  51. I am terrible at interpersonal skills. This will really help me. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your
    putting out such great content.

  52. This is Important To Me About Dbt Therapy Dear Man It's Help To Communicate Everyone Not To Shut Everyone Out Thanks Kati

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