If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device – Episode 24: Of Khans and Cages


SKIDDADLE SKIDDODLE YOUR DICK IS NOW SKIDDADLE SKIDDODLE YOUR DICK IS NOW A NOODLE You know why I?SKIDDADLE SKIDDODLE YOUR DICK IS NOW A NOODLE 15,000 [mins] Younger than me. Just call me son. No, I did indeSKIDDADLE SKIDDODLE YOUR DICK IS NOW A NOODLEed wolven son of mine. I’m Gonna punt your face off a lot don’t do that alSKIDDADLE SKIDDODLE YOUR DICK IS NOW A NOODLEready doing it. No. Yeah, so – no What was that noise it was the miserable scream of an old man being punched in the face father? right nevertheless Magnus ante hoo boy have still not returned my sorrow knows no bounds at this point father Your excessive wailing will not lead [you] anywhere Magnus is more than likely searching the imperial palace for him at this very moment Why does that shit wizard take such time doing so the imperial palace? encompasses one hundred forty seven thousand one hundred and Eighty-one square kilometers With four million [twenty] nine thousand eight hundred and fifty four individual chambers in both the inner and outer palace Finding him may very well take days Well, I gave magnus a why so he has no excuse can I to have a bike father? No, you are too fat you hurt me father good. I too wish [to] go fast. I am [now] sad well, maybe if you promise to keep your ass within smelling distance unlike the other two that does sound very Contradictory to your suppose it wish you’d the returning father I know the ins and outs of this palace like no other I would find them in but an hour Please just stay here. I do not want to risk losing you, too. That sounds like a lie father Stop reading my actions like I am some spooky pop-up book Father is working. [I] was certain You would look just shut your fuzzy face for a second while daddy pulls his strings random mechanicus guy, I call upon me How can I say the emperor who are you and why aren t you poster? God he went on vacation, but enough friends [fight] to have a massive fixation was stopping my cybergun against the hell of toasters At least you were honest could the emperor be rebuilt entirely [upside] [down] shut it and go inspect Chakotay’s old shed to see if there are any bites left for Rogo Preferably the mobility scooter Pattern do you segway still exist in the [forty] last millennium fuck off immediately? Alex actually vehicles driven by tiny starlings yay Bike that actually reminds me roko. Do you know where your brother jack Jose is currently located [I] am fairly certain gigantic [cog] disappeared from real space about 70 years after the horus heresy [do] you remember where to? [-] somewhere in A3 of space fuck baskets why do all my loyal sons have to mysteriously disappear into some murder Trench Tell [Escaped] when I am not around [I] did not father. Yes why did you not you think you are exempt of Responsibility and able to just not proceed to get lost in some endless void in the hopes of wrecking non-human s and possibly Rescuing me in some far-flung manner no while my siblings are out being lost [I] came here to keep our rambling Paraplegic father company because I loved him more than any other You are lucky. I find salt and sweet to go nicely together son. I knew there was a reason I named you praetorian of [Tara] at one time I fail to see how a combination of flavor sensation are relevant to me caring for you But it’s irrelevant as they may be I’m glad you like things Speaking of things have dead you should get that head of yours checked something is clearly off and I am becoming increasingly worried Do not worry father [I] checked my head every day in the mirror Everything he’s still on For Fuck’s sake let us move back to the topic of [JI] Kotik Do you know anything of what his legion the weis [cars] have been up to as of late now curses? I guess I will have to pry [that] information out of whatever custodian is invading my personal space today be nice Oh boy, [the] unknowable middle man. Yes Disturbingly so the only reason I remember you is because you [are] amongst other more conspicuous companions I mean like the others you are there, but you leave only a fraction of the impression [oh] quite say you also like bikes This is Negiah massive mine yet uninteresting hard to remember and [blech] spikes You should totally join the wife’s cars. You would fit right up you also have every branch in the south sounding yes, speaking of you happen to know anything about the wife’s cars and their current Shenanigans II Do know they? Parrot palace during horse come on Jerry economists said that standing up a little razorback heel So a drum disabled scream [like] [a] lunatic. Yes, well He actually stood still for more than 20 seconds while this is Several, Millennia too late. I am proud of his progress [he] [fashioned] at least 200 miles per hour So what happened after the battle did jackpot? Hey use as fierce and velocity to become one with the speed Force I? [doubt] What the fuck do you mean? I dunno? [I] only know about [life] cos being around during the horse humbugs I salute my eyes on that. Yeah fucking damn it Are you three just especially? Incompetent or does my one true caretaker just know an abnormal amount of trivia for some reason mows down asking You crave information what the fuck is the point of you being my caretakers if you cannot answer these questions yourself Well, Danny lee answering questions is on the [top] description You are such a fucking boring the [mole] from your thighs is however I do that instead if you like just go and get yourself informed Please through this foe and do tell cylinder boy and Magnus that I [missed] them while you are at it oh
I shall the kitten was late with us and a [fish] that ran off asshole and [accession] training some Demon mistake. I Suddenly feel Kinda bad about laughing at [lure] [gar] when he wore his chastity belt father I was just reminded of something was it how to breathe with your nose before gigante disappeared He did keep mumbling something about and I cooked Going faster than those knife here – holes not beard assholes you say There is only one species album a galaxy that could happily go by that description actually father Elder Orcs, Rockville Baseman and other select mutant species could all go by [this] description said athlete you crusader of useless exposition He was obviously referring to the eldar the dark Eldar to [be] exact After Horace’s Rebellion Jagat icons returned to his home planet of [Mundus] [planache] was with Grief the dark Odra had carried out numerous high [sepang] the defenseless planet while the white scars were away, they took Thousands of imperial Citizens to serve as slaves in the dark simeon Kamara if there has [ever] been an existence as utTerly unnecessary as the dark elders it probably never existed to begin with We die early need to find this massive vegfest of a city an king shame the shit out of it with cyclonic door [beados] I Disagree for the Middle reason that the [kahn] may reside there at this very moment you actually Thank you yet lives and there of all places [yes], it only makes sense that the kahn would chase the dark eldar into the web way for vengeance But [I] do not doubt for a second that my brother still lives No foul zeno could ever hope to pierce his steadfast determination [I] feel more distraught about this than anything if there is one place you do not want to find yourself alone it is that place? if a galaxy was a massive run downtown Kimora would be the local Nightclub turned insane asylum Please do not worry father for while the dark eldar proved to carry Great mastery [of] Hidden run tactics I doubt they have much experience in the very same tactics being used against them with extreme efficiency no less That does sound plausible neither would I be surprised if jack [hot]? [hey]? Just challenged them to [10,000] years worth of bike races [they’re] got icon like sculling fast. Yes. He does yes, yes That reminds me random [mechanicus] guy, I call upon [be] once more don’t know [penn] sister Seth Have you found the bike yet? Then they’d still [be] a biking shed, but so far. We [don’t] know until it’s them That is a really stupid fucking way of saying it but all right your secondary mission is now to tell the scribes to send a new message to the Ultramarines telling them to find Jack otacon while they are still going to the web [waste] dance it off with the harlequin [ultramarines] may in fact not be ultramarine blue after all but rather a shade of Cobalt blue making their entire existence a Massive Lie you can go now please. Why are we actually going? Just going mean. What does it go is go going? What Adam Kenny character now? Yes now. Oh shit biscuits. [I] almost forgot We are still waiting for that one companion. There is one entering right now fucking finally Go fuck no, which the creepy one. [I] just so happy to be standing around intensely Eavesdropping on no conversation when I heard that no color Gadget is missing that nobody went to acquire information about the wife scars from your captain general since the rest of you are so Disgustingly inept at this caretaker job that you need to do what I literally have [been] doing with him this entire time being pushing him For knowledge before you imitate them word for word in front of me like [some] [greased-up] be parrots oh You must really Coming that knowledge your ceaseless passion runs out [spy] [let] [that] [stop] us watch right. Let’s go [everyone’s] stop speaking in such eloquently disgusting manners you fucking oil tankers Deeper into the gaping credits that is my admiration for you, holy fuck Just please get my caretaker here before I have to get my sight this [to] all banquet Soothingly ever I shall occasion with us [wall] [Street’s] [a] Sensational Flick is all but lost. [huh] me now [times] we occasionally enjoy of course wow floors cannot speak a [Neuter] wine Please stop fucking up my floors and slide on out of here before I vaporize your ball sack with a single thought While we await their undesirable return I wish to speak to you about something What is it you wish of me father? You carry knowledge about the history [of] your sons the imperial fists yes. Yes, can you bring unto me this knowledge? Yes? Can you do it now? Yes? Fucking do [it] [then] where should I begin after my entrapment in this giant Shiny chair very well once upon a time I? was me and the boys Ephraim Ellie [I] Was distraught because you had died my normal call had been compromised [to] the point that the [only] reasonable thing I could think to do was to bring my imperial [fist] with me to hunt down [an] Over me [traders] [with] [implants] a [port] that is the best father’s day present I could think of when we returned Gilliland Schiller sell a book he had written kahn and Coax really liked the book me Russ [and] Vulcan did not The book was to break all [engines] into small chapters. We started complaining a lot oh Yes, that superfluous second founding [chittery] Why the balls did it go through if almost half of you voted? Fuck that. I did not wish to copulate with his book father. I have only seen lower guard do such a thing Please erase these mind images immediately But I did vote though it felt like my brothers and the imperium blamed me for your fall I would personally blame fucking [horace] says he murdered me and stuff But they could totally blame you for this achebe’s of iron halos ducking my crane nevertheless I resisted gila means [Codex’s] studies. [I] called kill a man a coward called me a traitor I called him conceited he had been p really maybe launched [Codex’s] at my strike [closer]. [I] was something Beyond theories What made me more upset was when protel wrong? Ever the petulant manchild came along and challenged us in Korea [fist] to a seat For [some] that you will baby, but I don’t know what to get inside this one I then suddenly with my magic paint love for seven days as I did I saw [a] vision [move] [mama] You were not dead you had been with me all that time Spectrum is just as much a stalker as you it seems. It was then I realized the folly of my actions I Did not want more conflict between us [fly] box So I? Accepted the book and gave it a 5 out of 10 it was okay with you It is too bad someone less notorious for their extremely complacent attitude towards themselves had not written [that] Codex instead Can you just imagine if [se] code [Ritz] had written it? No one would have fucking cared and the imperials the work would not have been spread out like the last remaining [asked] [Artis] but on a galactic sandwich But even if I had accepted the book it did not mean my sons had all Life [Cereal] fish did not like the book and I started appreciating it only after seven days of intense torture Sounds like a great book to show them Why we need to follow this book? Why [this] split had to happen? I had to give all members of our legion the same enlightenment that I had received through my magic pain I do not like where we are going Unfortunately, we do not have enough gloves for everyone. Well that is a really show [I] accepted percherons a challenge instead Well that is a not relief. [I] swore and [I] would did hirato out of his hole and bring him back to [terror] in cage and Thus began the battle How did it go bad? How bad very bad tell me why? Jurado had always been envious of me since I got the [honour] of rebuilding the imperial palace But since he no longer had a chance to fail like breaking into it after the battle of terror Jurado yet wanted a way to satiate his massive child crunch So he built the eternal fortress on the planet of Sandbox [lisp] [or] was it made out of solid gold [now] see this is why I gave the job to you and not him did you not give it to me for my? Superior skill at the constructing of fortresses yeah Sure, whatever continue the battle upon [cements] [his] floor became known as the iron cage It was terrible when he died on both sides many of my men died. I found tricks and deception on paper I was parked honestly did you expect anything else from someone who absolutely superb Abby hates you I did not [caring] Expectations [I] came to the planet [without] preparation without a plan only redemption Seriously, if spectral pain. Love me was the one that convinced you of all this shit. Don’t use a massive fucking asshole We did win but not without aid from the [ultramarines] who came uninvited After this the same pain I had felt had spread across my legion, Tenfold [I] bet they were all in agreement that the codex a starties was pretty [okay] compared to Massive [Rivas] casualties Yes We decided to split the imperial fist legion into several Chapters Such as the Crimson face the black templars and the modern [imperial] fist chapter I am surprised one of those do not have the word force in their name that is because they are absolutely Lunatics hut oh, well Do you know what your fists are up to now one of my fists is hanging from my arm? Fucking damn it [while] the other [is] enshrined deep in our fortress monastery of the Phalanx each new chapter Master Crown has the right to engrave their heraldry upon the hand as Tradition I do not want that hand back anymore first off fucking damnit rogal that is not what I meant And second off is it not super creepy that you’re rotting skeletal [fist] is enshrined as some object of worship, Millennia after you lost it Fuck you That is funny. Well. I did not know you were capable of laughs I am fully capable of the laughter what you even find funny realities funny. Tell me something funny though Yes, do you know how us humans Express praise by clapping our hands? I am [aware] that is hilarious How because smacking the floppy end parts of your arms together to make a noise is a strange way of expressing praise That is why it is funny. Well, you are certainly not wrong ah I am happy to be of amusement [to] [you] [father] But allow me to tell you that I do in fact not know much of what my sons are doing as of right now But I wish to meet them once more Soon that will surely spook them out good Yes, now allow me to further disclose to you things that are funny sure none of the local nudist colony have returned anyway I wonder where the fuck they could be You just be run, but we can yes Must come see this quickly It’s full demons creeping you can see if you go in any Way through the gate there will be difference, but if you walk [through] here Is tiny tiny part of the gate? [oh] you must tell my excitement? That’s my [butter]. [shake] [levers], okay, okay? Uh now jamming show me. What about What oh my I? Have never seen this oh come with me Yes, had to be on that door is the one that kissing is such a magic Troglodyte even though He’s a little time what you think he’s been here [before] well, you’re certainly acting Ashes so Earth has one extra man artist feels like Hey, dominique. I didn’t you wake me up [oh] You’re dead good wait with me wear the dress Co Fred we’re over leveraged family Well those knuckling son shit on themselves for Pi. I love you How do you want to about takin boundaries of normative over those teachers? I say we throw in our vortex for an aids at them. What about testing system a beliefs in the war. Don’t they [I] mean? [we’ve] already in the world. We shall send them To the South Wha? Mighty fine it only slingshots with you wouldn’t see how many demons here can really before it gives us Finally I found good dammit ian. What’s supposed to be? I’m as this coven knows it be materials told the town Bell tone become bow We gonna go to kill him while I take care [of] as well straightener jet boots activate. Let’s go All right thunder let no head Explain yourself before I launch it to the other side of war with my eyelid fucking field enough allow me to explain for you hummel my Fear of his heart you have done it explain quickly. [I] love my patient from hopes in my cover material look You really are my son leaves and I can make currents to my car I know it may be hard [to] comprehend, but this is the first time we met each other when over 10,000 [years] and I want us to be on good [terms] or by Journalist what [huh]? There? Are you talking about you ceiling? I have lived through most of my mortal life [as] your daughter Kara myself but I am just that much as Was revealed to me before my unjust banishment to this film I? Am the Emperor your father [I’m] [serious] [all] right Army series yeah dare to disrespect my Fatherland sort of Manner He carried that [mic] Sandman madness of affairs in [Mosul] Valley odds He was near a brother just and his very being radiated a [measurable] power and Charisma [Yielded] his credit he knew who he was and I can assure [you] you [are] no other a mine [himself] that is where you are wrong this revelation was grant me not as a whisper from attack Not through a fallacious help no through copious amounts of brain aneurisms during my time in the material I Spearheaded an invasion as a highly heretical degree and being spread across the Galaxy This Decree was set from holy terror itself So we made haste to fight its fortune to liberate I was precious planetary cradle and [Thus] Traitorous influence and Inside the [imperial] palace in the emperor’s own throne their filth that had composed this blasphemous the Clay was located This being no his creature Was as powerful as he was coming both the ecclesiology and the empress personal God the custodians had waiver to the ruinous palace as they had all come to kneel before a crimson demon with a single hateful I won what a droves in Demon when a single eye indeed We entered the throne in hopes to save our emperor but this horrid Daemon banished us to this roll forward to so much as lay a [finger] on it, [but] before this [happened] the emperor himself revealed unto me the truth of my very existence a fragment of his psyche Lost in the void of time Impregnated my perch [Andrus] soon giving birth to me. I may have lived as fuel economist of a module now a great man in his own right and Loyal servant of his temper, but now I know that I am more than a mere man My destiny is to escape this realm reunite with my throne bound self and bring humanity into a glorious new age and I want you my son to aid me in this endeavor Tell me in Hesitant world you truly truly Wouldn’t be imperial palace Daniel I see this red day, but cyclops. I didn’t need seat. I swear it upon my honor And [my] extremely wallet and self-importance It is good that you realize the seriousness my situation Now son you may apologize for your earlier transgressions I shall graciously accept you will violently pound upon your fly. We must go into Terra now We can do that do But what? Are there any ways out of this realm you’ve been stuck [in] [Central] [areas] one late But we shall take it. We are [a] mountain from the gates of [Kane] Our soldiers the Patron of life or the [centuries] of death of the sun fire? Madness why me going by ship nocturnal you can just tell it [was] there silence companion? I have not ridden in one of these vessels for Millennia. Please allow me to Soak in the Nostalgia But it’s Gonna take a lot more time Look, we are gonna sell this ship plunder the minibars play the video games and use good old et boards to steer the absolute shit out of [Damon’s] this I have decreed a surprise mere vagueness excellent let the amusements commence [ha] He [rogal] pester Pester pester pester pester Mr.. Test our common history lugar We didn’t come up. I even I don’t know one to get inside this one Seriously, I think I left a few signs of wear so uhSKIDDADLE SKIDDODLE YOUR DICK IS NOW A NOODLE Yeah, that’s actually the main [reason] of asking to break it. So yeah up to it now What the fuck do you want?

100 thoughts on “If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device – Episode 24: Of Khans and Cages

  1. … Don't the Imperial Fists have a strong presence on Terra? You'd think that Rogal would've seen one or two of them while he was spending millennia hiding in his Centurion armor.

  2. I really like this episode. It contained as much of Rogal Dorn as humanly possible and I very much enjoyed it.

  3. I'm with Dorn on the Templars. Those guys are so psychotic and vengeful, that if you were to so much as mispaint a couple of their miniatures, they'd probably all come to life just to burn your ass alive while you're asleep!

  4. This episode makes me wonder when we're going to see Perturabo in the story. And how is Big E going to convince him to come back to the light?

  5. at 4:20, Dorn used the metric mesurment system, implying that that system has become the imperial standard, SUCK IT IMPERIAL SYSTEM YOU UNRELIABLE FUCK

  6. "masters of hit and run tactics, but I doubt they have much experience having the same tactics used against them… " Quite possibly the stupidest thing Rogal has ever said, and I actually respect this incarnation of Dorn. The Dark Eldar are much like the Orc in one singular vein of continuity. When they don't have other xeno's to kill and torture whom do you think they turn to for shits and giggles? And more explicitly, whom do you think they mastered those arts on in the first place? Each other…. This kinda guarantee's the Khan is some torture vat somewhere, Big E got that part right. Also the nightclub/asylum part… ….also the 10k years of races…

  7. I love the idea that outside of combat all primarchs are really sensitive and just want to ride bikes

  8. anyone have an idea what actually happens if you explode a vortex grenade (of antiochia) in the warp? ^^

  9. 4:30 i like how they took their time actually researching this kind of stuff to give the actual measurement of the area of the object of lore that theyre talking about XD

  10. It's funny, because as far as I'm aware, even Girlyman himself 10k years after writing it is staring at the Space Book and thinking "what the fuck was I thinking?" and rewriting it.

    Also, I like that the pain glove is a literal glove instead of a bodysuit.

  11. You know, the thought that Kitten goes to the black library regularly is funny. He walks up and Cegorach appears and they greet each other before he goes in, and he probably does in fact have a library card.

  12. How the fuck did you guys mustered the shear creative mastery to come up with these ideas is beyond me, but I thank you for your humor and effort.

  13. And, just like that, the Mechanicus reinvented the concept of Schödinger's cat in the 41st Millenium. Though, to be fair, "Jaghatai's Shed" isn't that much catchier than the previous title…

  14. I looked up the size of the palace to see how big that roughly is and its Nepal. The palace is the size of Nepal. It is also located in the Himalayas. Which means that Bone Daddy up there had his palace built pretty much over where Nepal used to be. Damn.

  15. What I find is a kind of fun fact to throw out there, the area of the imperial palace that is given by rogal dorn is actually larger than 40 of the 50 united states. I think that really helps put a scale on things.

  16. So is nobody going to point out that brilliant joke at the end where the Emperor finds it super creepy that Rogal's rotting fist is kept as an object of worship by the modern Imperialist Fists?

  17. I swear, every time I watch an episode again, I see something new. When Rogal was talking about the fight with Horus, a little cutout of Ollanius Pius jumped in between them. I love these little details.

  18. Generally the voice actors in this series are pretty good, but the VA for Dorn is just the most amazing casting ever done. I can never get over how good he is

  19. I really hope Dorn gets the bike….he fucking better. AND Cyberdong(40kT) was the best cameo, he actually does great vids too…

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